March 5, 2020
Gordon B. Hinkley once said, “Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured”. For the past year I feel like I have been enduring each day. Waiting for that positive pregnancy test or a phone call telling us that all of the shots, medications and doctors appointments were worth it. In 365 days relief from my worst fear never came. There have been good times sprinkled into the deep sorrow that has consumed me but if I am being 100% honest with myself I haven’t felt truly happy in a while. I feel like there is a part of myself that is lost because infertility has robbed me of so much joy. Each day is a stressor and every month that passes I am reminded of what I cannot have. I thought that if I endured this trial well God would bless me with a baby and THEN I would be happy. I want a child so badly that I would sacrifice my own happiness just to get one.
When we found out our second IUI failed a few weeks ago I was crushed. The next day we had an appointment and found out that our best chance at growing our family would be IVF: a grueling process of intense medications, shots, doctors appointments. Even as she explained the intense course of treatment we were facing and the toll it would take on me I didn’t blink an eye. It didn’t matter how painful or hard it would be I was willing to do it all. Hudson and I had a long discussion afterwards and we were really open and honest with each other. I am so grateful to have a husband that cares sooooo much for me! Hudson truly is amazing and I love his so so much!
After a lot of tears we decided to take a break from treatment, a decision I am convinced came from our Heavenly Father. At first I had a hard time battling feelings of giving up, I am not a quitter and coming to terms with walking away from treatment with no baby was hard, even if it is just temporary. However, after we both made the decision and slept on it the one clear emotion I felt was PEACE. I don’t think that I have felt this much peace in the past year. I know that God wants me to be happy and to experience joy in my life. He wouldn’t want me to wait for a child to finally start living. Hudson and I have a beautiful life full of a lot of blessings that I am grateful for! I want to be happy with what I have and at peace with the potential that we may never have children before we start IVF or adoption. I know in my soul someday we will grow our family, Hudson and I both know that. Treatment or adoption are amazing options that will be there for us down the road whether that is a few months or years. We are grateful that we have options and know when the time is right we will tackle them together.
Infertility is very much still in the fabric of our life. I want to continue to share what I am learning and how infertility is changing me. We still want to help others experiencing similar things or educate those that aren’t! We want to thank everyone for the prayers and thoughts! We feel them and love you all so much!!