March 27, 2020
“Maybe God just knows you’re not ready to be a mom.” or “Maybe you should stop forcing God’s will” are two of the most hurtful comments someone has ever said to me. These two statements wrecked havoc on me spiritually + mentally for weeks. I spent a lot of time wondering if God thought I would be a terrible mom and that is why he isn’t blessing me with a child. Or maybe He was angry because I was forcing my will on His by using infertility treatments. Did it mean I didn’t have any faith because we chose to do treatments? Why would this person say this to me? They knew my struggles with infertility.. they must hate me? Why would they want to hurt me so much by saying questioning my relationship with God? The list of self doubt went on and on and on.
One day it hit me. I wonder if the person that said these things were still thinking about it? The answer is NO. I guarantee that they probably didn’t give it a second thought ten minutes after they said it. I also guarantee that they DID NOT say it to hurt me, cause me pain or have it derail me for weeks. If they had already forgotten why couldn’t I?
Words have power people and you should always choose wisely when speaking to someone especially about sensitive topics. But as soon as the words left their mouth it was in my hands what I did with them. So how do we cope with hurtful comments? How to we take them in and let go? I want to share a few things that helped me…
- Remember the intent. I know in my heart and mind that there was absolutely no way that they were saying that out of malice or to be mean. The truth is they honestly probably meant to give me some sort of comfort and were trying their best to show support.
- Not everyone knows what to say. I am pretty positive I have put my foot in my mouth on many occasions. We don’t always know what to say and that my friends is typically when the wrong thing comes out. Give people grace. Take it as a lesson that somethings listening and giving no advice is just as powerful as giving the most amazing advice.
- Give yourself a minute to feel. I always find it best when I give myself a moment to feel. It’s ok to feel all those things especially the negative emotions. But there has to be a limit. Usually I give myself an hour then I move forward. Start to leave it behind.
- A lot of comments hurt because they display an insecurity. Those comments hurt so bad because I am SO SCARED to disappoint people, especially God. Finding security in our hardships is key. Everytime I receive any sort of prompting validating my decisions I write it down. I revisit it when I am questioning myself and remember when I was so sure that treatments were right and were exactly what we were supposed to do.
- GIVE GRACE. I said it early but I will say it again. Just like most people don’t have a clue what I am going through 100% I really don’t know what they are going through. Maybe they had a miscarriage and were having their own crisis of faith. Maybe they had just gotten in an argument with their spouse and were hurting. Or maybe it was just a long day. YOU NEVER KNOW. Give them grace… the same grace you would want in return.
Finding ways to let go of comments that hurts the most takes time. I held on to those feelings of resentment for too long. It takes courage to move forward and forgive but it is SO REWARDING. I hope you guys got something out of today’s blog post! Feel free to leave a comment below!