September 5, 2018
Probably the most popular question I get from family, friends, and strangers is “why did you start photography?” I usually answer with “I just couldn’t stop thinking about it haha” which isn’t a lie but it isn’t the whole truth! To be honest I struggle with my truth sometimes… saying I started photography because I have A N X I E T Y isn’t easy for me! But it is my story and one that I have been trying to find the courage to share! I want to be able to hopefully help someone who might be going through a similar journey! So here it goes! Want to know why I started photography? Keep reading…
As many people know I came home early from my LDS mission from the Philippines not once but twice due to a lung infection when my vaccine failed. I am pretty open about it! I feel confident sharing that with others and I feel comfortable enough to do so. What people might not realize was the after math I faced for months and months after. My first instinct was F L I G H T … I really just wanted to run far and fast. So I went to the quickest available option and that was byui. I really did like it! I loved my roommates and met some awesome people! But I struggled hard. I couldn’t handle taking a full semester worth of the classes which really should have been my first clue something wasn’t right! Then there was the constant crying like literally I just couldn’t stop. I would cry because I felt like a disappointment…. cry because I was angry…. cry because I was unhappy and the list goes on and on. I was irritable and distant with my family. And it wasn’t until my parents really encouraged me to see a therapist that I did. At first I fully expected them to tell me that I was fine, actually more than fine, I was great and didn’t need to be there! I remember sitting down and he had me tell him about myself and I couldn’t get more than 3 words out before I broke down and cried an ugly kim k cry for 40 minutes as I tried to tell him about myself. He asked me a few other questions but the one that really sunk in that maybe I wasn’t as great as I thought was when he asked what I did for myself? What were my passions? Hobbies? Nothing came out. Literally nothing. I couldn’t think of one thing. And that begin my journey back to normalicy.
It took a few months to learn how to cope with my own mind. How to calm the fear and worry I felt. The best way I can describe it is like my mind just never shuts off. I would lay in bed and stress and worry about my family, peoples feelings, situations I couldn’t control, the what if’s that might never happen. I learned the power of exercising and having someone that I can talk to and rationalize my own thoughts to if needed. Usually when I say what I am thinking out loud I realize just how crazy it is and can overcome it a lot faster! My husband has seriously been amazing with this!! In the months following the end of my therapy I was MUCH BETTER!! And to this day I count my blessings that my struggle with anxiety is what it is and I can help myself naturally and keep the flare ups to a minimum.
In the months following the end of my therapy I still couldn’t shake the one piece of advice my therapist told me… find something you can throw yourself into and use to destress and focus my energy into. I left BYUI after I finished therapy and went to USU, started dating Hudson aka the most amazing human ever, working out a lot, taking a full schedule again, but still didn’t have a hobby. I prayed about it a lot. In what seems like overnight P H O T O G R A P H Y just plopped into my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about it:) I researched, followed amazing photographers, watched videos, read blogs, and finally decided that this would be my hobby! The thing that I could focus my stress and energy into! I bought my first camera and had no real intentions of turning it into my job! It was something solely for me! I think God knew that this was something that I could not only throw myself into but find my life calling as well! I have always been obsessed with weddings and as soon as I took my first picture I knew this was something that would change my life! Within a few months it had evolved and now a year and a half later its my hobby, passion, job, and love!
I am so grateful for the past through years! Even though there have been struggles it has helped me to figure out who I am and what makes me happy!